Before I move onto the previous scene, I want to do one last pass on the final scene and clean it up a bit more. Just a few things I noticed while skimming the section again. I guess an editor’s work is never done.

Anyway, some rapid-fire edits.

“Wow, did you really forget?” Todd shook his head, “I guess that armor still works then.” >>> “Did you really forget?” Todd shook his head, “I guess that armor does still work.”

She came right up to the girl and placed her hands on her shoulders. >>> She came up to the girl and placed her hands on her shoulders.

“Unfortunately, we can’t answer that,” Irving said >>> “I’m afraid we won’t be answering that,” Irving said

“You seriously don’t remember?” Todd cocked his head at her, “You said it was the right thing to do just a few minutes ago.” >>> Todd cocked his head at her, “You said it was the right thing to do a second ago.”

“That does sound like me,” Enya admitted. >>> Enya had to admit, that did sound like her.

Lydia nodded before addressing the real issue. >>> Lydia nodded, and then she addressed the real problem.

It turned out to be the right decision. >>> It turned out to be the right choice.

Okay now we can move onto the previous scene without any distractions.

The last line is as follows.

Enya put on the helmet and a bright light blinded her, and all she knew for certain was that the armor’s power was fully active.

This part  can easily be touched up. I also want it to hit a bit harder and flow better since this is basically the last stop before the reader has the crux of this story driven home. There’s no big fight scene or epic confrontation that follows on the next page. Whatever Enya did, it’s a tale for another time. Yeah, I’m missing that mystic, already.

As soon as Enya put on the helmet, a brilliant light swallowed her up. All she knew for certain was that the Armor of the Unburdened was no mere relic.

Let’s try this version for now. I’m trying to better evoke the sense of being on the receiving end of the contract, rather than just hearing about it from Irving.

This paragraph turned out pretty well when I first wrote it, but there’s one part that feels stilted, so I’m going to try to improve it.

All that was left was the helmet. Enya held it in both hands and glanced briefly at the armor’s case. >>> The helmet was the sole remaining piece. Enya held it in front of her and glanced at the armor’s case.

There might be more that needs doing but this feels better.

Next.

Another tremor came, but there was no loud blast accompanying it. Enya looked up and saw dust falling from overhead.

Clean up operation.

Another tremor came, and with it dust began to fall from the ceiling. Enya was transfixed by the streams overhead.

I don’t think the lack of a blasting sound needs mentioning here. If there was another one, it’s a safe bet I would have noted it. The tremor’s what counts, so I decided to roll everything up together like so. There’s an even better version of this out there in the aether somewhere. I can feel it, but today’s not the day it’s going to come to me.

This next one’s too important to leave alone, and two parts at the beginning are bothering me.

Just then, the armor began to glow, bracer and all. Enya was about to take off the bracer, but it suddenly shrunk down around her arm until it fit perfectly. Now she understood the reason. Anyone who was willing to wear the armor could wear it. It was just that simple. She wasn’t irrelevant just yet. She could help them. Enya might get in trouble, but she would regret it if she sat here doing nothing with such a powerful artifact while someone nearby was hurt or killed.

I’m going to fix up the first two sentences so they fit together better and also do a general clean up operation.

Suddenly, the armor began to glow. Enya would have slipped off the bracer on reflex, had it not shrunk down around her arm until the fit was perfect. Now she understood King Mnemos encounter with the armor. Anyone who was willing to wear it could wear it. It was just that simple. Enya knew she would probably be in trouble for trying to help, but she would regret it if she stood here with such a powerful artifact, and did nothing while others were getting hurt.

On top of fixing the first two parts I also really needed to omit the part about someone possibly being killed. Enya’s background kept her far away from unnatural deaths like lethal accidents and murders, so the thought of someone being killed wouldn’t cross her mind before actually seeing the danger firsthand. Worldly innocence, let’s call it. Anyway, I like this version. Moving on.

guantlet >>> gauntlet

You’re never done hunting down typos, either.

One of my favorite parts here, where Enya figures out that the armor’s size should have been an issue, but apparently wasn’t for the then fourteen year old King Mnemos.

Something didn’t feel right all of a sudden. Enya looked up past the inscriptions toward the armor. She couldn’t see it, but she remembered clearly just how big it was. How could a fourteen year old boy put on something like that? And yet the song was clear about what happened. A fourteen year old somehow managed. “Donning the armor shall seal the pact, for power, for courage, and every need.” Maybe the armor would take care of the fitting issue. If it could handle every need, then surely it could handle that.

A general clean up operation’s in order.

Something didn’t feel right about all of this. Enya looked up past the inscriptions, but couldn’t see the armor from where she was. She remembered just how large it was. How could a fourteen year old boy do it? Extra padding certainly wasn’t the answer, and yet Irving’s song was clear about what happened. A fourteen year old managed with this very set of armor. “Donning the armor shall seal the pact, for power, for courage, and every need,” Enya recited the verse. Maybe the armor would take care of the fitting issue. If it could handle every need, then it could probably handle that.

My edits rarely turn out longer than the original versions, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I honestly feel that my stories can be a bit too dialogue biased, so this is fine.

Next up is the realization.

Fourteen. >>> Fourteen. Fourteen?

This will fit better in a moment.

“A curse was upon me, my fear took hold, he dared not make war at fourteen years old. The Mystic, he soothed me … with tales of the bold …”

There’s one too many ellipses in this line, so I’ll change things up to stay more to the point and cut down on those.

“A curse was upon me, my fear took hold, he dared not make war at fourteen years old …” Enya trailed off into a soft hum as a certain word tugged at her thoughts.

It’s not much but it adds up over the course of a read.

“What then? Put everything back and then go right back to waiting? What if they’re in danger? What if Todd had the right idea after all?”

This is fine, but I’m not going to pass up a chance to better distinguish my characters from each other. Everyone’s got a special way of speaking, and while there’s always going to some overlap, I can keep it basic.

“What now? Just put everything back and wait here? What if they’re in danger? What if Todd was right?”

Like so. That’s more fitting for Enya.

On that same line we’ve got this.

Joke or not, things were almost certainly getting dangerous for them. Enya wanted to help and not just stand there, but it was all starting to seem pointless.

Clean up operation.

Whether he was joking or not, the situation was dangerous. Enya wanted to help, not fret back here by the armor. There didn’t seem to be anything she could do, though.

Next up is …

That noise and the accompanying tremor were serious. Irving made it clear this wasn’t a normal occurrence in the Golden Treasury. Enya couldn’t do much, but maybe she should try to find some way to help.

That last part needs some work. I’m thinking Enya’s helplessness, while not understated, is coming up too often. That’s a feeling that should creep in over time and not come up directly more than twice.

That noise and the accompanying tremor were worrisome. Irving made it clear the situation in the treasury wasn’t normal.

Not perfect, but better.

This part could honestly stay, but,

It would never fit her.

would also work as,

It would slide off her arm at the slightest push.

I’m also thinking of tacking the dialogue portions onto the ends of the preceding paragraphs. It’s cleaner and I don’t have any particular reasons for those line breaks. It’ll look something like this.

She was still alone, and Enya was starting to wonder if she would be here like this all day. Whatever that Sulan machine was, it was keeping everyone else occupied. Maybe something bad was happening and being stuck here would keep her from ever knowing about it or being able to help. Her grip on the bracer tightened as the thought nagged at her. “What should I do?”

The thought occurred to her once: put on the bracer, but she could tell at a glance the armor was forged for someone more than twice her size. It would slide off her arm at the slightest push. She was just about to put the bracer back onto the case when the ground shook. A noise almost like an explosion and a short tremor nearly brought her to her knees. “What was that?!”

The next segment could also use some work. I tend to leave extra details as separate, brief sentences, either to keep the sentences in the paragraph inconsistent with each other length-wise, or until I can find a better way to bring those descriptions into preexisting descriptions.

Ten minutes later, Enya found herself inspecting the armor. Just like in Irving’s song, every forged part of it was golden. The years had taken their toll. The luster was long gone and the armor looked almost fragile somehow. Curious, Enya carefully reached out with her finger and lightly tapped one of the armor’s bracers. Nothing happened, but she was less worried about damaging the armor. She carefully picked up a bracer, surprised by its weight at first. The armored glove came with it, and Enya held them up to get a better look at them.

So we’ll try this.

Ten minutes later, Enya found herself inspecting the armor. Centuries of mere existence had done their worst; the luster was long gone and the large plates seemed almost fragile somehow. Despite the toll of time, the armor had come right out of Irving’s song. Curious, Enya carefully reached out with her finger and lightly tapped one of the bracers. Thankfully nothing happened. She was caught of guard by the bracer’s light weight when she picked it up. The armored glove came with it, and Enya carefully inspected them.

Behold the shuffling!

Nearing the start of the scene we’ve got some comparisons to Libero which are important for that slow trickle of info about Enya’s old life into the story.

“What’s going on?” She was used to spending time by herself at Libero Chapel, but this was markedly different. For one, her job was never to simply stand around. She should have at least been tidying up anything that looked out of place. The only thing out of place right now was the Armor of the Unburdened and its large, glowing inscription-covered case. Todd hadn’t done his part yet, so Enya wasn’t inclined to try moving the case back.

Before I go on, there’s also the preceding line.

Minutes passed and neither Irving nor Todd returned. There were no new announcements, and no one else had come through the area. Enya was all alone.

I want to combine these two paragraphs. There’s not a lot of reason to separate them, especially since I’m taking out Enya’s quip.

Minutes passed and neither Irving nor Todd returned. There were no new announcements over the intercom, and no one else had come through the area. Enya was all alone. She was used to spending time by herself in Libero Chapel, but the Golden Treasury was a completely foreign place to her. Having to simply stand by only made matters worse for her. Enya’s job as a groundskeeper was never to be idle. She should have at least been tidying up anything that looked out of place. Her only option was the Armor of the Unburdened and its large, glowing inscription-covered case. Todd hadn’t done his part yet, so Enya wasn’t inclined to try moving it.

The paragraph isn’t too long, so this should work, and I even ditched some unnecessary dialogue.

This next line is the first of the scene and the last of LGT Editing #3. So far so good.

Looking more closely at the armor’s case, Enya tried to make out the words again. It was completely foreign, and yet somehow Todd understood it. Todd, the same boy who couldn’t keep his appearance together or show due deference to his superiors could still read and write circles around her. Enya shook off the disappointment as hard as she could. “You have your job, now focus.”

Let me run one more clean up operation.

Looking more closely at the armor’s case, Enya tried to make out the words again. It was completely foreign, and yet somehow Todd understood it. Todd, the same boy who couldn’t keep his appearance together or show due deference to his superiors could still read and write circles around her. Enya shook off the disappointment as hard as she could. “You have your job, now focus.”

You and me both, sister. Alright, it’s not perfect, but once again, it’s better.

Looking more closely, Enya tried to make out the inscriptions on the case again. It was completely foreign, and yet Todd, of all people, understood it. This was the same boy who couldn’t keep his appearance together or show due deference to save his life, and yet he could still read and write circles around her. Enya tried to shake off her disappointment. “You have your job, now focus.”

With that, we’re finished with this editing session.

I’m surprised I managed to finish it today, but I caught a lucky-ish break, so here it is, on schedule, despite me, despite the site, despite the internet, despite everything.

Session #2 – Session #4