I’ve decided to leave the song alone for now. Once we’re at the end of editing Chapter 1, I’ll make an LGT Editing article specifically for the song and look into ways of improving it. The issue with editing the song is that it was never meant to be perfect, but at the same time, it’s also meant to be extremely good for what’s essentially a freestyle piece thought up on the spot. Fabers can be very good at that sort of thing; their career singers are the stuff of legend. We’re going to hold off on the song itself until the very end of chapter edit, and then give it a once over to see if there are very specific ways to improve it without making it ‘too good’ or beyond Irving’s capabilities. Things like consistency and form will be more of the focus than grammar, flow, and characterization. Mmm maybe a little characterization.

“Forget it. Do what you want, Irving.”

The words are there and they work well enough, but I don’t think it’s quite well implied that Todd’s annoyed having been caught taking an interested in this old story.

“Forget it,” Todd scoffed, “Do what you want, Irving.”

Just a hint of annoyance, nothing too serious.

“Or maybe an omniscient perspective instead of Mnemos’,” Todd said insistently, “not that it should really matter. You should just tell us what happened without trying to get in character.”

This is going to be a cleanup operation aimed mostly at vocabulary and also shaking up the flow a bit.

“Or,” Todd leaned toward Irving insistently, “maybe an omniscient perspective instead of Mnemos’. Not that it matters. You should just tell us what happened without getting in character.”

There.

Irving teased. >>> Irving teased them.

I’m not sure if this one is necessary but I feel compelled to add that bit of detail. Specificity isn’t the problem in writing a scene, it’s the over-explanations that take too much away from the reader’s imagination or the under-explanations that give the impression everyone’s just standing around talking with nothing else of note going on. It’s also handy to reference a character’s past to imply their likes or dislikes when something relevant happens.

Case in point.

Enya knew a fair number of full-blooded fabers in Clese, and improv was something most of them were quite good at. They prided themselves on being able to come up with new songs for services in the chapel each week. She didn’t know what to expect working for Irving but she had plenty of enthusiasm for his singing.

Let’s change that up to be a more complete reference.

Enya knew a fair number of full-blooded fabers in Clese, and improv was something the choirs were quite good at. They prided themselves on being able to produce something new for services each week. Enya didn’t know what to expect working for Irving, but his singing reminded her of them. Her enthusiasm was only building.

Now for Todd’s line.

“Oh, you just made all that up on the spot. Fabers …” >>> “Oh, you made all that up on the spot. Fabers ….”

I really wanted him to say ‘figures’ here, but figures and fabers would be hard to squeeze in without looking like an author’s joke. I suffer having only one of them. Note: This style of ellipsis is just my personal preference. Call it a signature style.

“Of course,” Irving chuckled, “This song is partly from King Mnemos’ perspective and partly my own. He lost all knowledge of the war after being tricked into removing the last piece of the armor by his servants. I couldn’t possibly include verses about that off the top of my head.”

Clean up operation!

Irving chuckled “But of course. This song takes on multiple perspectives, including my own. King Mnemos lost all knowledge of the war–as well as the entirety of his reign–after being tricked out of the armor by his own servants. Filling in that part on such notice is a bit beyond me for the moment.”

Not radically different, but closer to the Irving I know and love. I don’t mind sticking quote tags in the middle of dialogue, but I don’t want a pattern to form that feels repetitive. Where I feel it’s good to do so I’ll move the tags to the beginning or end of a particular line.

“What about the rest?” Todd said as he began guiding the armor’s case down a ramp, “You just skipped over the war with the Vandals and Mnemos’ people trying to get rid of him.”

Some things can and should change here, mainly the mention of the Vandals and a couple of small parts regarding that ramp.

“What about the rest?” Todd said as he guided the armor’s case down the ramp, “You skipped over the whole war and Mnemos’ people trying to get rid of him.”

I mentioned the Vandals here originally as a means of confirming that they’re a specific group of peoples (like the historical Vandals) and not just the regular kind. I think it might be okay in this instance to leave it out for now and let that be a part of the deeper lore of Praedia, something people can look into if they’re curious. Besides, Todd’s not a mouthpiece and I don’t think he’d be the one to mention them by name, at least not in this way.

Enya laughed. It was a relief to know that Irving could handle Todd so easily.

I’ve been struggling, just plain struggling to rewrite this line in a satisfying way. This line torments me and my desire to change it predates the whole LGT Editing series. I can’t tell you just how tempted I am to remove it.

Hmm ….

I have given in to my vastian urges and banish this line down the memory hole.

Of course removing that line leaves Irving with two separate lines of dialogue:

“And I never get any enthusiasm out of you when I tell these stories,” Irving smirked, “Funny how that works.”

“Now, from the top.”

Fusion is the probably the way to go.

“And I never get any enthusiasm out of you when I tell these old stories,” Irving smirked, “Funny how that works. Now, from the top.”

I also threw in ‘old’ in old stories to help emphasize the sharpness of Irving’s rebuttal.

“A song?” Todd’s pace slowed, “I never get songs with these old stories.”

It’s always felt like something’s missing here, mainly with Todd’s expression. He’s confused, but I don’t feel I put enough ‘showing’ in before he more or less says that he is.

“A song?” Todd’s pace slowed and his brows furrowed. “I never get songs with these old stories.”

This could definitely change later, but one of my weaknesses as a writer is showing a character’s feelings or overall mood primarily through actions and body language. I could tell you he’s confused, but I’d rather imply it as quickly and as subtly as possible. What I don’t want to do is omit actions altogether or only put in neutral actions like slowing one’s pace that don’t necessarily point to any particular emotion. The line’s longer than it was originally, but there’s some value in the body language or some other tell that evokes the confusion he’s feeling. I don’t want to rely completely on the dialogue like I did when I was first starting out. No thank you.

“My king, anointed and dearest Evander, returned to the earth from whence ye came.”

Just a typo.

“My king, anointed and dearest Evander, returned to the earth from whence he came.”

Nothing more unless I decide to change up the song later.

“People she can trust,” Enya repeated the words, trying to find the deeper meaning behind them. She had no doubt there were adequate measures in place to prevent outright theft, but there was clearly more to this. There had to be if a louse like Todd was still here.

Some trimming and simplified wording could go a long way here.

“People she can trust,” Enya repeated the words, searching for some deeper meaning. She had no doubt the Golden Treasury’s security was top of the line, but there was more to this. There had to be; Todd worked here.

Good enough.

“It’s alright, Enya,” Irving said, “Whether he knows it or not, Todd made an important point before. Mistress Lydia needs people she can trust in the Golden Treasury. Likewise, King Mnemos needed people he could trust with the secret of his armor.”

I want to make one small change.

“It’s alright, Enya,” Irving said, “Todd made an important point. Mistress Lydia needs people she can trust in the Golden Treasury. Likewise, King Mnemos needed people he could trust with the secret of his armor.”

Irving’s highly observant, but whether or not he tosses in something like whether or not Todd realized something mostly comes down to the situation. This is just shy of being a backhanded compliment when, as far as Irving’s concerned, it’s neither backhanded nor a compliment, so taking the first part out makes things a bit clearer and more concise to boot.

Ah yes, the next part is where Enya boils over and just comes out with how annoyed and baffled she is by Todd’s presence~

“It’s true!” Enya huffed. She was torn between wanting to hear the story of King Mnemos’ armor and an explanation for how such an annoying boy could be employed in a lavish–and frankly famous–establishment. “You’re terrible! Master Wheeler, why does he work here? There were a hundred people at the university that looked better for this job than both of us. I don’t understand.”

“It’s true!” Enya huffed. She was torn between the story of King Mnemos’ armor and the reasoning behind Todd’s employment in such an important establishment. She wanted to hear both stories right here and now. “Master Wheeler, why does he work here? He’s terrible. There were a hundred people at the university that were better for this job than both of us. I don’t understand …”

So a few things. I wanted to change up the way the second sentence was written because it’s been bugging me since I first came up with it. It was a thought that needed form but the form was flawed. I just came up with a way to streamline everything and so I tried it, and I think it works nicely. The ‘you’re terrible’ line was moved and changed to ‘he’s terrible’ to better fit with her turning to plead with Irving. Lastly the part about the university applicants was changed to be more vague. Enya’s concerned with Todd’s appearance, but not enough to be specific about it. She’s mad and baffled in this moment and would assume flat out that the other applicants were better than both at them in every way possible. She started the chapter doubting her own qualifications to be working in the Golden Treasury, so she’s certainly going to be doubting Todd’s. It’s just a couple of words but I’m always looking to for little things like that to imply what needs implying … and to avoid implying things I don’t mean to.

“Hey, I’m doing you a favor. You’re so happy to be here but hearing the same stories with no twist or new angle can get stale. By the way, try to tone it down with the reverence. You’re not going to get canned for just calling him Irving. ‘Master’ is just something the housemaids say.”

Characterization Operation.

“Hey, I’m doing you a favor. You’re so happy to be here but hearing the same stories with no twist or new angle gets old. Oh, and try to tone it down with the reverence. You’re not gonna get canned for calling him Irving. ‘Master’ is just a maid thing.”

Yes. Good.

“The story of King Mnemos actually begins with the previous King, his father, Evander,” Irving explained as the group started down the service tunnel, “The Kingdom of Wells was losing whole swaths of territory to invaders from the west. It’s nearly always from the west, it seems.”

This right here is where the Vandals can be confirmed as a specific group, before the song ever starts! Eureka!

“The story of King Mnemos actually begins with the previous King, his father, Evander,” Irving explained as the group started down the service tunnel, “The Kingdom of Wells was losing whole swaths of territory to invaders from the west, the Vandals. Great conquerors are always cropping in the west, it seems.”

I’m resisting a goofy smile right now.

Anyway, that’s the end of LGT Editing #5. I hope it’s helpful to anyone reading because it’s definitely helpful to me. It keeps my editing attempts both structured and streamlined, if not wholly effective. Like I said though, the longer I do it, the better I’ll get at doing it, so this will continue as planned.

Session #4 – Session #6