There are two scenes left in the first chapter and then I’ll take another look at the song. For now, the prelude to the story of King Mnemos and the Armor of the Unburdened.

Enya scowled at him. How much longer until Irving delivered Todd the bad news and he was on his way?

While this last line works well enough on its own, I want to improve it. Improving something can be structuring it better, making it flow better, shortening it, lengthening it for better imagery, or using more evocative language. As long as the line still deserves to be there I need to keep thinking about how to do things like that.

Enya scowled at him. Todd’s reckoning was coming soon, wasn’t it? This was worrisome.

I’m not completely satisfied with it, but it’s better than what came before it, and that’s a start. I’m starting to feel bad for Enya getting her hopes up so much. “Even doing these backwards has me feeling like I’m tormenting her with anticipation,” I type as a grin crosses my face, betraying my amusement with the character.

“I don’t,” Todd sighed as he inspected the case, “but whatever. Regale us with your legends, Irving.”

This next edit is purely a case of me spacing out the ‘middle of the message’ quotation tags. Like so.

Todd sighed as he inspected the case, “I don’t, but whatever. Regale us with your legends, Irving.”

It’s fine to have them. They’re a great writing tool, but I don’t want to use them to the point where it’s insanely repetitive and gets in the way. Regale also needed more emphasis.

A chance to learn more about one of Lydia’s treasures? How could Enya refuse? Also, that long service tunnel made any story sound enticing. “I want to hear it.”

This needs major improvements, just about to the point of just being rewritten entirely.

“I want to hear it,” Enya said. This was her first chance to learn about the history of one of Lydia’s treasures. Besides, what better way to pass the time in this seemingly endless corridor?

There we go~ I like how it’s all but flipped end to end now. That’s an interesting way for it to turn out compared to the original.

“The armor has no name,” Irving said, “However, its legend is still quite well known here in the east. King Mnemos wasn’t the only one to wear the armor, so we’ve taken to calling it the Armor of the Unburdened. A fascinating cautionary tale if you can endure its predictability.

This line was so close to ‘good enough’ at first glance that I didn’t even want to touch it, but I read it a few times and changed my mind. It feels like it drifts from Irving’s way of speaking at certain points and it’s not as clean as it could be in general. A clean up operation is imminent.

“Well,” Irving began, “the armor itself has no name that we’re aware of. However, the legend is well known in the East. King Mnemos wasn’t the only man to wear the armor, so we’ve taken to calling it the Armor of the Unburdened. Quite the cautionary tale if you can endure its predictability.”

I made a lot of little tweaks to the dialogue here. Some of them were to bring the expressions more closely to Irving’s speech pattern, and others were to tidy up or clarify what he’s saying. While it’s probably less important, I also used the word ‘man’ specifically here for several reasons, and one was to make a connection between Enya’s own inspection of the armor later on. It may be too subtle to notice. I’m sure even I’d eventually forget about it if I wasn’t literally going on the record like this.

“Good idea,” the worker handling the case from in front nodded. The two finished their part by bringing the case down the ramp and leaving it with Irving, Todd, and Enya. They waved to them and went ahead of the small group, eventually rounding a corner and vanishing deep in the service tunnel.

Clean up operation.

“Good idea,” the worker at the front nodded. The two of them eased the large case down the ramp and over to Irving and his helpers. Then they waved goodbye, leaving well ahead of the small group and heading deep into the service corridor.

Okay, so here’s what I think about the original versus this new version. First off, the sentence structures were decent, decent enough to make it into the first draft, but like always, improvements were possible. I was mainly focused on saying more with less and fixing the flow so it would read more smoothly and leave a bit more to the reader’s imagination at the same time.

I also decided to insert the term ‘corridor’ earlier in the scene for consistency’s sake. One challenge going forward with that word is implying the sheer size of it. You can’t send a bus through it, but it certainly qualifies as a ‘tunnel’ of sorts. All sorts of items come through it, so it has to be bigger than the word corridor normally implies. I guess it comes down to what you want more emphasis on, the number of extra paths that can be taken through this area, or its size. I think the size matters a bit less in this instance, but I’ll keep an eye out for ways to show that too as I work backward from here.

“That’s great timing. We were just bringing this back.” >>> “Great timing. We were just bringing this back.”

A hint more casualty. Next.

“It’s not as far as it looks,” Irving assured her. “This service tunnel leads to more places than just the Golden Treasury.”

There’s a surprising amount that needs changing here. This one could be tricky, especially since it’s an instance of ‘service tunnel’ in the dialogue specifically. Still, I’m up for it.

“We aren’t going too far in,” Irving assured her, “This great old passage leads to several places, not simply the Golden Treasury.”

Oof, that was difficult to work through in my head. This area has a history to it, not just implied but stated outright, and now stated a little better, I think. That’s good for Idolan lore.

“Is that a hallway?” Enya’s nearsightedness was playing tricks on her. She couldn’t see the end of the path in front of them, and the harder she tried to make it out from a distance, the longer the hall seemed to get. She was starting to regret not taking a cab to the estate. Her legs were still sore and she still had a long day ahead of her, orientation or no.

Clean up operation.

“Is that a hallway?” Enya’s nearsightedness was playing tricks on her. She couldn’t see the end of the path in front of them. The more she tried to make it out, the longer the path seemed to stretch out. She regretted not taking a cab to the Tenebrae Estate. Her legs were still sore, and orientation or no, she still had a long day ahead of her.

That second sentence needed breaking up, so it was just a matter of where and how. Also, the mention of the orientation didn’t fit in the sentence at the end, at least not as well as it does in the middle. It just flows better. Moving on.

Next up are two separate paragraphs that I’m seriously considering fusing together. It’s also an opportunity to better describe the ‘large corridor’ so I don’t have to rely on the mental image of a ‘service tunnel’ to imply the sheer size of it.

Enya thought there might be someone on the other side that could let them in, but lights flashed between the doors and out of every crack, as if mana were active and overflowing through them. Then, the doors began to part and slowly glide into the walls to either side. There was a faint grinding sound as the doors opened, but nothing like what Enya expected to hear with such heavy slabs sliding over the floor and into the walls.

There were no markings on the floor, no residue, and no tracks for the doors to rest on. The design of the doors protected the floor from any kind of wear or damage. Just inside the area behind the doors, the marble floor transitioned to something resembling concrete, with more obvious mana conduits running along the walls and along the floor.

Convergence!

Enya thought there might be someone on the other side that could let them in, but a light flashed between the doors and out of every crack, as if mana were active and overflowing inside. Then, the doors began to open and slowly glide into the walls to either side. There was a faint grinding sound as the enormous slabs parted, but nothing like what Enya expected to hear from such heavy moving doors. There were no markings left behind on the floor, no residue, and no tracks for the doors to ride on. Whatever set of mechanisms were at work were designed to completely spare the floor. Just inside the area behind the doors, the marble floor sharply transitioned to concrete, with more obvious mana conduits running along the walls and along the floor. Ahead of them was a sizable corridor, something even a small vehicle could easily pass through.

A lot changed here. Rather than just going over specific parts, try reading both versions back to back and feel the difference. I like this version a lot better.

She didn’t think she could manage it, much less without disturbing anyone. >>> There was no managing that in her imagination, much less reality.

I just thought of a better way to get the point across. The doors are heavy and Enya’s not the type who can even brute force that kind of physical limitation in her own mind.

After a couple of minutes of walking and Enya’s impression of the Golden Treasury changing several more times, the group arrived at a long ramp deep inside the main building. The ramp was shallow and flanked by two staircases. A pair of large doors stood near the bottom of the ramp-staircase combination, almost three meters down and fourteen meters from them. It wasn’t far off from what Enya had been imagining for the entrance. She was only surprised that they were going underground.

I don’t know how to improve this off the top of my head, but I definitely want to give it a go.

Give me a minute ….

After a couple of minutes of walking the group arrived near the center of the main building. Enya’s mental image of the Golden Treasury had morphed and taken on different themes of the estate itself several times by then. They came to a shallow ramp leading down to a pair of large slab doors. The ramp went three meters down, was fourteen meters long, and was flanked on either side by a staircase. Enya had been on the mark where the entrance was concerned. She was only taken aback by the implication that they were going underground.

That was a good call. The flow’s about as good as I can make it at my current skill level. I’m especially happy with the description of the area. It’s very tricky to order the details of a place in such a way that the laying out of said details both flows well and paints the right picture for the scene. For me it feels like just the right amount of detail delivered in just the right sequence, and at more or less the right time.

One thing Enya concluded would have to stand out was the entrance. If all sorts of treasures would be coming through, it had to be large enough to allow the staff to move things in and out. Maybe there would be large double doors reinforced by runic locks, unsealable only with a golden key.

Just two small things I want to change.

One thing Enya figured would have to stand out was the entrance. If all sorts of treasures would be coming through, it had to be large enough to allow the staff to move things in and out. Maybe there would be large double doors reinforced by runic locks, accessible only with a golden key.

Just a couple of tweaks for consistency in the wording.

Now for the last line I want to check in on today, the first of the scene.

Enya’s expectations of the Golden Treasury were evolving as she saw more and more of Lydia’s home. At first, she envisioned a library but stocked with a quarter as many display cases as books. From there, a tonally subdued complex of rooms with plain–heavily reinforced walls, and rows upon rows of special items. The polished warmth of the main building’s interior slowly crept into the picture.

Scene openers aren’t my strong suite, but I’m constantly working to improve on that front. Observe.

Enya’s mental image of the Golden Treasury was evolving as she saw more and more of Lydia’s home. At first, she envisioned a library, a library filled with a quarter as many unique items as actual books. From there, a kind of history museum took shape. Then, something more secluded came into being: a closely guarded complex of rooms with plain, heavily reinforced walls, and rows upon rows of ancient treasures. The polished warmth of the main building’s interior slowly crept in, bringing some much needed vibrancy back into the picture. It was the Golden Treasury, wasn’t it? Not the ‘Tenebrae Museum’ or the ‘Loot Bunker.’

I’m not sure if the addons in the description and the general rewording and rearranging of things help all that much, but this line’s been needing some improvement. Once again, scene openers, while not my strong suite, are something I’m always aiming to improve on.

I was very close to pushing this back to Sunday, but decided to go ahead and do it now. I woke up just late enough in the day that I’ve been playing catch up and I was worried it would negatively impact this editing session. In all honesty it probably did, but it’s my series, and there’s  nothing stopping me from revisiting anything I think could use another round of editing. It’s a learning experience through and through, so why worry about it? Better posted than perfect.

There’s one scene left to do this chapter plus the song. After that, these sessions will be on hold for a while. I still need to finish writing the next chapter before any editing in this format will make sense. I’ve been a combination of busy, distracted, and sleepless, though. I’m expecting it’ll be another month or two after the Chapter 1 sessions are all done before I start on Chapter 2, but we’ll see. The closer I get to finishing these, the higher a priority getting the first draft of Chapter 2 done becomes. Anyway, I hope this was as helpful to you as it was to me.

Session #5 – Session #7