Alright, this is the last LGT editing session for this chapter, which just leaves the song. I’m still not sure if I should touch it. It’s not perfect, but since Irving made it up on the spot, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. There’s also the issue of formatting. I don’t think I can do this justice the normal way where I’m working backwards line by line. Songs require a ‘big picture’ approach. I guess we’ll edit it to try and improve the song and make Irving look like even more of a savant. We’ll go ‘chapter by chapter,’ speaking of the story in the song. I’ll insert my edits along with my reasoning as we go.

Before starting off proper I want to point out that while Irving sings this song by himself, it’s actually covering multiple perspectives and if sung in some kind of ‘official’ manner, you’d have the first part of each line sung by the lead, and the a choir or something singing the second part. Example: Irving sings, “My king, anointed and dearest Evander,” and then the choir finishes with, “returned to the earth from whence he came.” The song is structured like this for each and every line. That’s the way I conceived it, and that’s the way Irving conceived it. It’s honestly a shame he didn’t have help with this one. It would have been cool.

I also want to point out that while I don’t know if there’s a song that matches the melody of the Armor of the Unburdened, it does have a melody. I’m still trying to figure out how to express that melody in text and I’m not coming up with anything yet. Just something I wanted to mention in case this song comes up again in the future.

My king, anointed and dearest Evander, returned to the earth from whence he came.

Majestic, undaunted and peerless defender, all men fight on in his glorious name.

Prince Mnemos they shout, for I am he, his oaths heralded the gilded crown.

The Vandals raze cities in spite of me, the king’s armies would strike them down.

I could add some more context here without bloating things. That’s natural since there’s a melody everything has to fit along with and the lines can only be so long.

My king, anointed, our dearest Evander, returned to the earth from whence he came.

Majestic, undaunted, our peerless defender, Ledonians fight on in his glorious name.

Of victory and plunder the Vandals did sing, Ledonia burns, she burns all around.

Now I, Prince Mnemos am sworn to be king, his oaths heralded the gilded crown.

This was a good way to get rid of an unhelpfully vague part about Evander’s people while also naming the country the two kings ruled over. The first line is actually said once before the song starts and I’m debating whether leaving that original version in Irving’s first attempt is the right call or not. As someone who comes up with rhymes out of sheer friggin’ habit, I can’t help but feel that the song evolving even as it’s coming out is way more realistic, even for a faber. I think I’ll leave it since I’ve been leaning in that direction from the start. I also pushed the third line down to the fourth spot and tried something a little different with the mention of the Vandals.

A curse was upon me, my fear took hold, he dared not make war at fourteen years old.

The Mystic, he soothed me with tales of the bold, of men unburdened and clad all in gold.

He granted me peace and I summoned my knights, they journeyed north to find the land.

To persevere through most perilous fights, the Unburdening Armor was near at hand.

This ‘chapter’ is the first actual mention of the Armor and needed to be a bit bombastic on the intro. I think it works well enough but there’s no way a structure like this can’t be touched up at all. So we’ll try something like this:

A curse was upon me, my fear did take hold, a boy made king, a mere fourteen year old.

The Mystic, he soothed me with tales of the bold, of men unburdened and clad all in gold.

My heart was at ease, I made north with all haste, they journeyed north to find the land.

Not one man turned back from the horrors we faced, the armor was surely nigh in hand.

Changing the line about the fourteen year old will necessitate a line change elsewhere since Enya quotes it directly, but that’s not a big deal.

Here’s the line and the change:

“A curse was upon me, my fear took hold, he dared not make war at fourteen years old …” >>> “A curse was upon me, my fear did take hold, a boy made king, a mere fourteen year old …”

Now this one as a whole … wow. It may look nice now but this took hours to figure out and I don’t think it’s such a huge improvement that I can say much more about it than that. It gets more vague in one respect and a lot clearer in another, which I wasn’t expecting. I’m more focused on the structure of the lyrics than the exact meaning. It’s a tricky balance but I think the song’s holding up reasonably well despite some of the reworks. It’s definitely not getting worse, or I’d leave it alone.

How long did we tarry within that place? A season passed while they fought the grave.

The armor’s light revealed my face, no longer a boy but one of the brave.

Inscriptions tell tales of a solemn act, forsaking knowledge of every deed.

Donning the armor shall seal the pact, for power, for courage, and every need.

This is one I was hoping I could improve regardless of whether or not I did anything with the rest of the song. So, frankly, IT IS TIME.

How long have we tarried, how long have we fought? A season has past and the mountain runs red.

My fear was cast down, I have seen what I wrought, the Unburdening Armor lies just ahead.

The inscriptions make known a most solemn act, forsaking knowledge of every deed.

Now donning the armor shall seal the pact, for power, for courage, and every need.

Basically the first two lines were missing something that could really tie this chapter of the story together. So, a possible question: Was it a mountain or a grave the armor was being kept in? Both. I didn’t mention that this happened in a mountainous region since I didn’t know where to put that. The story’s also just hopelessly vague in several areas by its very nature. I decided that the mountain was the more important of the two details, so I would put it in. It’s also probably the better detail overall. A grave has implications that I can’t do much with without having Irving give more detail. A mountain is still vague but the reader isn’t being led into a complete fog that can only stand on whatever cliches people associate with graves. It’s not a detail that’s going to serve the song or the story as seamlessly as the mountain does.

The contract begins, these words did I speak, it was not of his own accord.

This armor I bear for the sake of the weak, the knights’ refrain he could ill afford.

Laughter and mocking returned with my sight, a plot most foul and for decades discrete.

Those wicked servants were full of delight, the words he did speak, the contract is complete.

This one’s always had flow problems, so after all of these edits, I’m eager to fix it up as best I can.

‘The contract begins,’ these words did I speak, these words were not of his own accord.

This armor I bear for the sake of the weak, they returned to Ledonia to lay low the horde.

Cruel laughter and mocking returned with my sight, a plot most foul and for decades discrete.

Men in my court, they were filled with delight, the words he did speak, ‘The contract is complete.’

This one isn’t as big an improvement as I’d like, especially not in the flow department. Trying coming up with a melody that fits the rest of the ‘chapters’ and then try it on this one. You’ll see what I mean; it’s a rather tight fit and not one I’m sure how to address right now. Some of the context of the story changed, though not the story itself. The knights were a bit dubious about the whole memory loss issue, but it’s probably more important to make sure to get across that they went back to fight before the huge time skip happens. Plus, the doubting knights don’t warrant a mention in the song. Maybe in a proper retelling of the story, but not in a short song, I don’t think.

The King, anointed, yet only a boy, returned to his youth by his legend’s own claim.

His memories all lost in a dastardly ploy, decrowning the king was their ultimate aim.

The armor was gone, I knew not where I erred, for him, his past they would not regale.

The Mystic appeared and my life was spared, in exile, King Mnemos would hear his own tale.

There’s a structural error in here that I’m only now noticing. The first and second lines. Every single line in the song is supposed to start from Mnemos’ perspective, and then switch to Irving’s ‘outsider looking in and back’ perspective. These two lines breaks that rule and give Irving’s viewpoint from start to finish. Now I’d make this kind of mistake easily–case in point–but Irving wouldn’t. His memory’s more precise than your average human can even imagine, so this definitely needs some work. I’m glad I decided to actually take a good hard look at this.

A reign I knew not had just come to an end, his memories lost as if only a dream.

No loyalty here, they all willed to ascend, they put to action this dastardly scheme.

The armor was gone, I knew not where I erred, for him, the past they would not regale.

The Mystic appeared and my life was spared, in exile, King Mnemos would hear his own tale.

Sheesh, this one was hard, too. Even though I only had to change two lines. Even though I more or less know what I’m doing now. Even though the word choice wasn’t especially important here so long as the tone and vocabulary were close enough. I left the last lines nearly untouched because they say exactly what they need to. For instance, the armor’s gone: implication is it was stolen. The Mystic appears and his life is spared: implication is the Mystic saved Mnemos somehow. In exile: implication is they left together. It’s a lot of important information crammed into a very small space and I’m not sure I can come up with a better version quickly enough to finish this today. However, I’m fine with coming back to older–even much older–LGT edits to make sure a good edit makes it in if I think of some. For now, this works.

That’s it. That’s the entirety of LGT Chapter 1: The Armor of the Unburdened. This is probably the only story I’m going to write where losing the plot is the plot. Then again, who knows with a setting like Praedia. That’ll be all for now, then. I’ll put more effort into getting Chapter 2 written and Chapter 3 started, but there’s a lot going on right now and until I can get back into a true morning schedule and get some stability going, it’s going to be slow going. Anyway, hopefully this was as helpful to anyone reading as it was to me.

Session #7 – Session #9