The Praedian Records

LGT Editing #4

by Phoenix | Aug 29, 2021 | Editing, LGT

Alright! Let’s jump right into it, shall we?

This first line’s perfectly serviceable, but I still aim to improve the story whenever, wherever, and however I can.

Enya watched Irving and Todd until they had jogged all the way out of view. The Golden Treasury was a colossal place. There was no telling just how big it was, or where Item 3-A-340 was. It was probably close enough for Irving and Todd to intervene if they hurried, but Enya couldn’t be sure beyond that.

Let’s try changing things up a bit. A lot.

Enya stayed behind, watching until they were both out of sight. A small part of her wondered if she would ever see them again. There was no telling where Item ‘3-A-340’ was, and the sheer scale of the Golden Treasury made the possibility hard to ignore. The only thing Enya could be sure of was that waiting was going to make her very, very anxious.

I like this better. It hits the key points and it does them in the right order without increasing the length too much.

“You want me to wait here?” Enya glanced back and forth between the two men. She supposed she could do that. If dangerous machines or magic were involved, she wouldn’t be able to help them anyway. At least she could keep an eye on the armor. This was probably the best opportunity she was going to get to prove to Irving that, while she wasn’t as knowledgeable as Todd, she was at least dependable. “Okay. I’ll keep the armor safe.”

I want to touch this one up a bit and experiment with the speech tag at the end.

“You want me to wait here?” Enya glanced back and forth between Irving and Todd. She supposed she ought to. If dangerous machines or magic were involved, she might only get in the way. This was probably the best opportunity she was going to get to prove to Irving that she was dependable, and guarding the armor was a fairly easy way of doing that. She couldn’t possibly mess this up. “Okay,” she decided on her own, “I’ll keep the armor safe.”

I can’t say it’s an objective improvement, but I definitely prefer it to the prior version. I also like the bit of foreshadowing toward the end. Enya can definitely mess this up. And she does!

This portion of the line seems like it needs a bit of work.

Before Irving could finish glaring at him, he quickly added,

>>>

Before Irving could even stare him down, Todd quickly said,

There might be a better way to do this one so I’ll make a mental note of it for later.

“Perhaps, but …” Irving glanced at the armor’s case, concern in his eyes. The timing could have been better. “I don’t like leaving the armor out here like this.”

Clean up operation.

“Perhaps, but …” Irving paused and glanced at the armor and its large, exposed case. The concern in his eyes said it all: their timing with the armor could have been better. “We shouldn’t leave it out here like this.”

So basically I touched up Irving’s dialogue on the latter end and tried to link the rest of the line together in an interesting way. It borders on being repetitive but I think it works.

Next up is a line that just needs a little work.

“I haven’t seen it myself,” Irving said, “but I know it’s of Sulan origin. Some kind of old machine. Mistress Lydia found it recently and decided to keep it rather than hand it over to the Sulans.”

>>>

“I haven’t seen it myself,” Irving said. He turned slightly, toward what Enya thought might be the direction Item 3-A-340 was in. “If I recall, it’s an old Sulan machine. Some kind of automata. Mistress Lydia discovered it during one of her ‘adventures’ and opted to keep it for the treasury.”

This fits Irving’s slightly posh style and amiable personality.

As soon as she did, the alarm thankfully stopped.

I wrote this part in this way to put the emphasis on ‘thankfully’ but I’m not sure if it warrants another comma (or an adjusted one) or not. On second thought, I’ll leave this alone for now, but have it noted here for future reference.

“Not often this happens. Let’s see what the problem is.”

>>>

“Not often this happens. Let’s hear what the problem is.”

Minute, but in character.

An alarm sounded. It was just loud enough to get Enya reaching to cover her ears. She only stopped so she could hear Irving.

This line is why the one I left a note about is there in the first place. Anyway, clean up operation.

An alarm suddenly blared, forcing Enya to cup her hands over her ears. She had to bear with the noise to some extent to catch what Irving said next.

Plain descriptions can be boring, so you have to get creative where you can.

Now this next one warranted a major change, but I’ve been swaying back and forth on just how to do that.

“Stabilize the mana flow.” Enya was a little embarrassed to hear it explained in those terms. She didn’t even know what he meant by that. Todd really was more qualified to be here than she was. No amount of politeness on her part could make up for the sheer difference in expertise and usefulness.

Here’s the version I came up with.

“Stabilize the mana flow.” Enya tried the phrase on for size and it just didn’t fit her. It sounded like something an engineer might say. Todd really was more qualified to be here than she was. Enya could never say ‘Master’ or ‘Mistress’ enough times to close the gap between them or give herself any real advantage. His overall knowledgeableness and usefulness made her little more than an extra pair of hands by comparison. She didn’t know how anyone could fit Todd’s skill and knowhow into … well … Todd.

Frivolous but I have fun reading it. Enya’s always bewildered by Todd and I’m glad I can make that come across even if it edges on being a bit too comical at points.

“Before we put items back, we have to stabilize the mana flow and sync it back up with the system here. After that, we put it onto its slot and it’s officially back where it belongs. That’s the whole procedure in a nutshell.”

Speaking of Todd. This needs more Toddification.

“Before we put it back, we have to stabilize the mana flow and sync it up with the system here. After that we just find the right slot, shove it in and we’re done. That’s the procedure in a nutshell.”

There we go. Todd’s excessively casual and his explanations need to come across that way consistently. Just needed to change some of the wording.

Next up:

“I haven’t the foggiest,” Irving shrugged in amusement, “Or at least that’s what I would say if Todd hadn’t translated it for me. That is the full account of the Armor of the Unburdened from its original bearer to King Mnemos. It’s written in one of the acer dialects.”

Clean up operation.

“I haven’t the foggiest,” Irving shrugged in amusement, “Or at least that’s what I would say, had Todd not translated it for me. That there is the abbreviated history of the Armor of the Unburdened, from its original bearer to King Mnemos. It’s written in one of the acer dialects.”

A little better, I think.

I’ve been in the habit of tagging dialogue this with actions. It’s not always a good fit, so I’ve been trying to dial it back outside of certain situations in scenes. Case in point.

“What’s it say?” she turned to Irving.

>>>

“What’s it say?” she asked, turning to Irving.

A pretty inoffensive edit, though admittedly this line would have stayed like it was if it had come after the alarm sounded. In that situation, I think action tags help preserve the tension and the pacing.

“Look at this,” he said as he held an open hand out in front of the face of the case.

>>>

“Look at this,” he said, holding an open hand out in front of the case.

I had a reason for writing it the other way originally, but this more concise edit doesn’t lose anything. I may have just been overthinking it back then.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Enya looked away from them both. She didn’t need to hear whatever it was that made Todd better qualified for this job than her. It was enough to know that his obnoxious behavior was completely overshadowed by it.

I want to make this slightly less pouty but still more precise in terms of Enya’s perspective. Also a tag touch up.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Enya said, turning her head away from them. She didn’t want to hear whatever it was that made Todd so special. It was enough to know that his poor manners, lackadaisical attitude, and complete disinterest in his own appearance were all somehow overshadowed by it.

Yes, her issues with Todd include a direct comparison between the two of them, but in this moment in the scene, she’s more focused on the fact that his cons don’t seem to matter much to Irving, and by implication, Lydia.

Continuing backwards, we have the lead up. I’m also thinking of making one more edit to the previous line, but I need to do this one first.

Enya wasn’t sure she wanted to know why he worked here anymore. She was almost afraid to hear a justification she might actually agree with. Either way, it was becoming increasingly obvious that Irving had no intention of replacing Todd with her. Whatever was happening in the office earlier wasn’t what she thought it was.

The edit to this one is going to be

Enya wasn’t sure she really wanted to know anymore. There was a chance she might here a justification for Todd that actually made sense, maybe even something she agreed with. That was a scary thought. Regardless, it was becoming increasingly obvious that Todd’s employment here was in no danger, and Enya definitely hadn’t been brought on board to replace him. She must have missed something important back at the office.

Now for that other edit. I’m going to slap these paragraphs together. They’re not really covering different topics, and they wouldn’t be too long if I slapped them together.

So I’m going to slap them together, like so:

Enya wasn’t sure she really wanted to know anymore. There was a chance she’d hear a justification for Todd that actually made sense, maybe even something she agreed with. That was a scary thought. Regardless, it was becoming abundantly clear that Todd’s employment here was in no danger, and Enya definitely hadn’t been brought on board to replace him. She must have missed something important back at the office. “You don’t have to tell me,” Enya said, turning her head away from them. She didn’t want to hear whatever it was that made Todd so special. It was enough to know that his poor manners, lackadaisical attitude, and complete disinterest in his own appearance were all somehow overshadowed by it.

I almost always break up paragraphs when a speaker starts talking, no matter who it is, but there should be some exceptions. If I change it later, I’ll probably do a partial rewrite to put the dialogue right at the start.

These next few lines are just clean up operations.

“Yes, and as part of the agreement to loan out items from Lydia’s inventory, we need to decouple them from the security system. Otherwise, bad things can happen. Well, that about sums it up. Now, Enya, you’ve been wondering about Todd here, haven’t you?”

>>>

“Yes, and in order to loan items from Lydia’s inventory, we need to first disconnect them from the system as a whole. Otherwise awful things can happen. Well, that about sums it up. Now, Enya, you’ve been wondering about Todd here, haven’t you?”

“That’s part of it,” Irving smiled, glad she was quick on the uptake, “Most of the staff aren’t mages to begin with and those that are can’t be expected to bear such a tremendous burden.”

The smile is implied or close enough as makes no difference, and the second bit of dialogue can definitely be trimmed and still fit Irving.

“That’s part of it,” Irving said, glad she was quick on the uptake, “Most of the staff aren’t mages and even they can’t be expected to bear such a tremendous burden.”

Something began to click for Enya.

>>>

Something suddenly clicked for Enya.

“Welcome to Deep Storage,” Irving said, making sure Todd and Enya stopped, “The Golden Treasury is made up of several layers, somewhat mimicking the Agian hierarchy of spells. The first layer is the ‘Retrieval’ layer. The second is the ‘Inspectory’ layer, and the third is for deep storage. While they’re somewhat self-explanatory, I’ll have you know that Mistress Lydia can summon any item from the Golden Treasury at any time. The staff is limited to the retrieval layer, however.”

It’s going to wind up longer than necessary, but I want to leave a lore nugget here for later in the series and this is probably the best place to do it.

“Welcome to Deep Storage,” Irving said, giving Enya a brief introduction, “The Golden Treasury is made up of several sections, or ‘layers.’ Mistress Lydia is an Agian and so it’s only natural she would arrange it this way. The first layer is the ‘Retrieval’ layer. The second is the ‘Inspectory’ layer, and the third is for deep storage. Quite similar to the Agian heirarchy of spells, I must say. Please note that staff members such as ourselves are only able to summon items from the Retrieval Layer. Mistress Lydia on the other hand can summon anything from the inventory at any time.”

Irving continued to lead them through the vast inventory until they reached the place where the Armor of the Unburdened was kept, inside the deep storage area. Irving stopped them just short of a gallery where numerous item cases were positioned away from the walls. Some of the cases were missing, exposing strange insets on the floor. Enya figured their case belonged on one of them. There was little in the way of markings or other identifiers that could help her guess which one.

Only minor changes for this one for now, though I was tempted to pull another fusing operation and slam these two paragraphs together. I’ll hold off, though.

Irving continued to lead them through the vast inventory until they reached the place where the Armor of the Unburdened was kept, inside the deep storage area. Irving stopped them just short of a gallery where numerous item cases, most identical to the one the armor was in, were positioned away from the walls. Some of the cases were missing, exposing strange insets on the floor. Enya figured their case belonged on one of them. There was little in the way of markings or other identifiers that could help her guess which one.

I’ll hold off for a grand total of five seconds. I’m not fusing that paragraph with the one that comes after it, but instead the one that comes before it. This one:

More ramps and stairways led down into the deep archives of the Golden Treasury. The walls were plain, plated with metal, and lined with countless compartments. The rows stretched on in both directions just like the service tunnel, with only occasional gaps that formed aisles. There was no telling how far it all went, but Enya suspected the Golden Treasury was much larger than the mansion above it.

First, some important chances to the description.

More concrete ramps and stairways led down into the deep archives of the Golden Treasury. The walls were plain, metal plated, and lined with countless compartments. Partitions stretching up to the ceiling went on and on in both directions with each gap opening up into another aisle. Even the partitions had compartments for special items. There must have been thousands, maybe tens of thousands of historical artifacts in here. Enya suspected the Golden Treasury was much larger than the mansion above.

Now to fuse them together.

More concrete ramps and stairways led down into the deep archives of the Golden Treasury. The walls were plain, metal plated, and lined with countless compartments. Partitions stretching up to the ceiling went on and on in both directions with each gap opening up into another aisle. Even the partitions had compartments for special items. There must have been thousands, maybe tens of thousands of historical artifacts in here. Enya suspected the Golden Treasury was much larger than the mansion above. Irving continued to lead them through the vast inventory until they reached the place where the Armor of the Unburdened was kept, inside the deep storage area. Irving stopped them just short of a gallery where numerous item cases, most identical to the one the armor was in, were positioned away from the walls. Some of the cases were missing, exposing strange insets on the floor. Enya figured their case belonged on one of them. There was little in the way of markings or other identifiers that could help her guess which one.

That’s not too bloated, right? Well it works for me, at least for now.

With that, LGT Editing #4 is done. I hope this was helpful to anyone who’s stuck in a rut trying to clean up their writing, or just write something in general. This is by no means professional, but by … oh let’s say, LGT Editing #27, it very well could be, so stick around if you’re interested.

Session #3 – Session #5

LGT Editing #3

by Phoenix | Aug 25, 2021 | Editing, LGT

Before I move onto the previous scene, I want to do one last pass on the final scene and clean it up a bit more. Just a few things I noticed while skimming the section again. I guess an editor’s work is never done.

Anyway, some rapid-fire edits.

“Wow, did you really forget?” Todd shook his head, “I guess that armor still works then.” >>> “Did you really forget?” Todd shook his head, “I guess that armor does still work.”

She came right up to the girl and placed her hands on her shoulders. >>> She came up to the girl and placed her hands on her shoulders.

“Unfortunately, we can’t answer that,” Irving said >>> “I’m afraid we won’t be answering that,” Irving said

“You seriously don’t remember?” Todd cocked his head at her, “You said it was the right thing to do just a few minutes ago.” >>> Todd cocked his head at her, “You said it was the right thing to do a second ago.”

“That does sound like me,” Enya admitted. >>> Enya had to admit, that did sound like her.

Lydia nodded before addressing the real issue. >>> Lydia nodded, and then she addressed the real problem.

It turned out to be the right decision. >>> It turned out to be the right choice.

Okay now we can move onto the previous scene without any distractions.

The last line is as follows.

Enya put on the helmet and a bright light blinded her, and all she knew for certain was that the armor’s power was fully active.

This part  can easily be touched up. I also want it to hit a bit harder and flow better since this is basically the last stop before the reader has the crux of this story driven home. There’s no big fight scene or epic confrontation that follows on the next page. Whatever Enya did, it’s a tale for another time. Yeah, I’m missing that mystic, already.

As soon as Enya put on the helmet, a brilliant light swallowed her up. All she knew for certain was that the Armor of the Unburdened was no mere relic.

Let’s try this version for now. I’m trying to better evoke the sense of being on the receiving end of the contract, rather than just hearing about it from Irving.

This paragraph turned out pretty well when I first wrote it, but there’s one part that feels stilted, so I’m going to try to improve it.

All that was left was the helmet. Enya held it in both hands and glanced briefly at the armor’s case. >>> The helmet was the sole remaining piece. Enya held it in front of her and glanced at the armor’s case.

There might be more that needs doing but this feels better.

Next.

Another tremor came, but there was no loud blast accompanying it. Enya looked up and saw dust falling from overhead.

Clean up operation.

Another tremor came, and with it dust began to fall from the ceiling. Enya was transfixed by the streams overhead.

I don’t think the lack of a blasting sound needs mentioning here. If there was another one, it’s a safe bet I would have noted it. The tremor’s what counts, so I decided to roll everything up together like so. There’s an even better version of this out there in the aether somewhere. I can feel it, but today’s not the day it’s going to come to me.

This next one’s too important to leave alone, and two parts at the beginning are bothering me.

Just then, the armor began to glow, bracer and all. Enya was about to take off the bracer, but it suddenly shrunk down around her arm until it fit perfectly. Now she understood the reason. Anyone who was willing to wear the armor could wear it. It was just that simple. She wasn’t irrelevant just yet. She could help them. Enya might get in trouble, but she would regret it if she sat here doing nothing with such a powerful artifact while someone nearby was hurt or killed.

I’m going to fix up the first two sentences so they fit together better and also do a general clean up operation.

Suddenly, the armor began to glow. Enya would have slipped off the bracer on reflex, had it not shrunk down around her arm until the fit was perfect. Now she understood King Mnemos encounter with the armor. Anyone who was willing to wear it could wear it. It was just that simple. Enya knew she would probably be in trouble for trying to help, but she would regret it if she stood here with such a powerful artifact, and did nothing while others were getting hurt.

On top of fixing the first two parts I also really needed to omit the part about someone possibly being killed. Enya’s background kept her far away from unnatural deaths like lethal accidents and murders, so the thought of someone being killed wouldn’t cross her mind before actually seeing the danger firsthand. Worldly innocence, let’s call it. Anyway, I like this version. Moving on.

guantlet >>> gauntlet

You’re never done hunting down typos, either.

One of my favorite parts here, where Enya figures out that the armor’s size should have been an issue, but apparently wasn’t for the then fourteen year old King Mnemos.

Something didn’t feel right all of a sudden. Enya looked up past the inscriptions toward the armor. She couldn’t see it, but she remembered clearly just how big it was. How could a fourteen year old boy put on something like that? And yet the song was clear about what happened. A fourteen year old somehow managed. “Donning the armor shall seal the pact, for power, for courage, and every need.” Maybe the armor would take care of the fitting issue. If it could handle every need, then surely it could handle that.

A general clean up operation’s in order.

Something didn’t feel right about all of this. Enya looked up past the inscriptions, but couldn’t see the armor from where she was. She remembered just how large it was. How could a fourteen year old boy do it? Extra padding certainly wasn’t the answer, and yet Irving’s song was clear about what happened. A fourteen year old managed with this very set of armor. “Donning the armor shall seal the pact, for power, for courage, and every need,” Enya recited the verse. Maybe the armor would take care of the fitting issue. If it could handle every need, then it could probably handle that.

My edits rarely turn out longer than the original versions, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I honestly feel that my stories can be a bit too dialogue biased, so this is fine.

Next up is the realization.

Fourteen. >>> Fourteen. Fourteen?

This will fit better in a moment.

“A curse was upon me, my fear took hold, he dared not make war at fourteen years old. The Mystic, he soothed me … with tales of the bold …”

There’s one too many ellipses in this line, so I’ll change things up to stay more to the point and cut down on those.

“A curse was upon me, my fear took hold, he dared not make war at fourteen years old …” Enya trailed off into a soft hum as a certain word tugged at her thoughts.

It’s not much but it adds up over the course of a read.

“What then? Put everything back and then go right back to waiting? What if they’re in danger? What if Todd had the right idea after all?”

This is fine, but I’m not going to pass up a chance to better distinguish my characters from each other. Everyone’s got a special way of speaking, and while there’s always going to some overlap, I can keep it basic.

“What now? Just put everything back and wait here? What if they’re in danger? What if Todd was right?”

Like so. That’s more fitting for Enya.

On that same line we’ve got this.

Joke or not, things were almost certainly getting dangerous for them. Enya wanted to help and not just stand there, but it was all starting to seem pointless.

Clean up operation.

Whether he was joking or not, the situation was dangerous. Enya wanted to help, not fret back here by the armor. There didn’t seem to be anything she could do, though.

Next up is …

That noise and the accompanying tremor were serious. Irving made it clear this wasn’t a normal occurrence in the Golden Treasury. Enya couldn’t do much, but maybe she should try to find some way to help.

That last part needs some work. I’m thinking Enya’s helplessness, while not understated, is coming up too often. That’s a feeling that should creep in over time and not come up directly more than twice.

That noise and the accompanying tremor were worrisome. Irving made it clear the situation in the treasury wasn’t normal.

Not perfect, but better.

This part could honestly stay, but,

It would never fit her.

would also work as,

It would slide off her arm at the slightest push.

I’m also thinking of tacking the dialogue portions onto the ends of the preceding paragraphs. It’s cleaner and I don’t have any particular reasons for those line breaks. It’ll look something like this.

She was still alone, and Enya was starting to wonder if she would be here like this all day. Whatever that Sulan machine was, it was keeping everyone else occupied. Maybe something bad was happening and being stuck here would keep her from ever knowing about it or being able to help. Her grip on the bracer tightened as the thought nagged at her. “What should I do?”

The thought occurred to her once: put on the bracer, but she could tell at a glance the armor was forged for someone more than twice her size. It would slide off her arm at the slightest push. She was just about to put the bracer back onto the case when the ground shook. A noise almost like an explosion and a short tremor nearly brought her to her knees. “What was that?!”

The next segment could also use some work. I tend to leave extra details as separate, brief sentences, either to keep the sentences in the paragraph inconsistent with each other length-wise, or until I can find a better way to bring those descriptions into preexisting descriptions.

Ten minutes later, Enya found herself inspecting the armor. Just like in Irving’s song, every forged part of it was golden. The years had taken their toll. The luster was long gone and the armor looked almost fragile somehow. Curious, Enya carefully reached out with her finger and lightly tapped one of the armor’s bracers. Nothing happened, but she was less worried about damaging the armor. She carefully picked up a bracer, surprised by its weight at first. The armored glove came with it, and Enya held them up to get a better look at them.

So we’ll try this.

Ten minutes later, Enya found herself inspecting the armor. Centuries of mere existence had done their worst; the luster was long gone and the large plates seemed almost fragile somehow. Despite the toll of time, the armor had come right out of Irving’s song. Curious, Enya carefully reached out with her finger and lightly tapped one of the bracers. Thankfully nothing happened. She was caught of guard by the bracer’s light weight when she picked it up. The armored glove came with it, and Enya carefully inspected them.

Behold the shuffling!

Nearing the start of the scene we’ve got some comparisons to Libero which are important for that slow trickle of info about Enya’s old life into the story.

“What’s going on?” She was used to spending time by herself at Libero Chapel, but this was markedly different. For one, her job was never to simply stand around. She should have at least been tidying up anything that looked out of place. The only thing out of place right now was the Armor of the Unburdened and its large, glowing inscription-covered case. Todd hadn’t done his part yet, so Enya wasn’t inclined to try moving the case back.

Before I go on, there’s also the preceding line.

Minutes passed and neither Irving nor Todd returned. There were no new announcements, and no one else had come through the area. Enya was all alone.

I want to combine these two paragraphs. There’s not a lot of reason to separate them, especially since I’m taking out Enya’s quip.

Minutes passed and neither Irving nor Todd returned. There were no new announcements over the intercom, and no one else had come through the area. Enya was all alone. She was used to spending time by herself in Libero Chapel, but the Golden Treasury was a completely foreign place to her. Having to simply stand by only made matters worse for her. Enya’s job as a groundskeeper was never to be idle. She should have at least been tidying up anything that looked out of place. Her only option was the Armor of the Unburdened and its large, glowing inscription-covered case. Todd hadn’t done his part yet, so Enya wasn’t inclined to try moving it.

The paragraph isn’t too long, so this should work, and I even ditched some unnecessary dialogue.

This next line is the first of the scene and the last of LGT Editing #3. So far so good.

Looking more closely at the armor’s case, Enya tried to make out the words again. It was completely foreign, and yet somehow Todd understood it. Todd, the same boy who couldn’t keep his appearance together or show due deference to his superiors could still read and write circles around her. Enya shook off the disappointment as hard as she could. “You have your job, now focus.”

Let me run one more clean up operation.

Looking more closely at the armor’s case, Enya tried to make out the words again. It was completely foreign, and yet somehow Todd understood it. Todd, the same boy who couldn’t keep his appearance together or show due deference to his superiors could still read and write circles around her. Enya shook off the disappointment as hard as she could. “You have your job, now focus.”

You and me both, sister. Alright, it’s not perfect, but once again, it’s better.

Looking more closely, Enya tried to make out the inscriptions on the case again. It was completely foreign, and yet Todd, of all people, understood it. This was the same boy who couldn’t keep his appearance together or show due deference to save his life, and yet he could still read and write circles around her. Enya tried to shake off her disappointment. “You have your job, now focus.”

With that, we’re finished with this editing session.

I’m surprised I managed to finish it today, but I caught a lucky-ish break, so here it is, on schedule, despite me, despite the site, despite the internet, despite everything.

Session #2 – Session #4