by Phoenix | Aug 22, 2021 | Editing, LGT
It’s been rough squeezing in time for this, but I have been looking forward to it. In this LGT Editing session, I’ll be going through the entire final scene. We’re starting from the end again and going through the same lines from LGT Editing #1. Since that was more of a test run to see if I could even manage this kind of thing, I think it’s good to start with the true full scene format that I intended. Anyway, with that out of the way, let’s start and go over the whole scene relevant line by relevant line.
“I’m here to serve,” Enya said. She bowed to her superiors with a smile, knowing all was well. “So, what’s the next item?”
This is the suggested edit for the last line in the chapter. It’s much better than the previous version in my opinion, but I’m going to take one more shot at improving it.
“I’m here to serve.” Enya bowed to her superiors with a smile, knowing all was well. “So, what’s the next item?”
Mm, yeah. Good.
Since I omitted Todd’s line entirely, next up is Irving’s.
Irving returned Enya’s book with a knowing wink. “Well done, on both of your assignments.”
I’m really not sure how to improve this one. I would like to put some emphasis on the word ‘both’ but I’m a bit gun-shy with italics. They can get really out of hand if you use them too broadly. Same with bolding, which I’m even more reluctant to use. It stands out and honestly in the wrong way with emphasized words. Better to save bolding for quote blocks and other special cases, I think. We’ll leave this for now.
Enya’s last job for the chapter could use some small improvements, too. Here’s the first improved version from last time.
“Yes!” Enya handed Irving her book and approached the case. As long as Todd had done his part, all Enya had to do was push it onto its slot. The Armor of the Unburdened would be officially returned to the Golden Treasury. Enya wouldn’t underestimate how heavy the case was now that the armor was inside, and gave it the full body effort the item warranted. It wasn’t long before the case passed over the slot and was stopped cold by a locking mechanism. Enya stepped back as once invisible conduits lit up with mana. All of the light flowed up the armor’s case in a single long wave before vanishing at the summit.
Here are the changes I made.
“Yes!” Enya handed Irving her book and approached the case. As long as Todd had done his part, all Enya had to do was push it onto its slot. The Armor of the Unburdened would be officially returned to the Golden Treasury. Enya wouldn’t underestimate how heavy the case was now that the armor was inside. She gave it the full body effort the item warranted and it wasn’t long before the case was stopped cold by a locking mechanism. Enya stepped back as once invisible conduits lit up with mana. All of the light flowed up the armor’s case in a single long wave before vanishing at the summit.
Just changed up a couple of sentences to try and improve the flow.
This next one is the last line from LGT Editing #1 and I’m more or less fine with it.
“Now, would you do the honors?” Lydia gestured at the armor. There was still one more job to do.
If I could come up with something better off the top of my head, I would. For now, it’s fine.
Now for the rest of the scene, minus lines I’m satisfied with.
“Wonderful,” Irving beamed, “You’ll do quite well here with that attitude.”
I’ve never been comfortable with the word ‘beam’ as describing a big smile, but I’ve tried to work it into places where I can. It still feels a bit foreign in my writing style so I’ll definitely be ditching it here.
“Wonderful,” Irving said, “You’ll do quite well here with that attitude.”
Frankly, I think Irving’s mood is well implied with by his wording alone, so I’ll see if this can stand by itself for now.
Next is Enya coming to the realization that, basically, all is well.
“I understand,” Enya said, feeling much better about things. She didn’t just have the chance to do better going forward, but the motivation and gratitude to make it happen. “From now on, Master Wheeler, I won’t do anything like that without asking you, first.”
Let me see if I can’t improve this just a little bit.
“I understand,” Enya said, feeling more excited about her job than ever. “From now on, Master Wheeler, I won’t do anything like that without your permission, first.”
Just tried improving the structure a bit as well as make Enya a bit more specific with Irving. I’m tempted to have her bow here but we’ve already got one of those coming up. Glad I’m working backwards from the end of the scene in this case.
Dearest Lydia.
“Yes,” Lydia nodded, “I have no issue with you using the armor if you need to–we certainly needed you to this time. I only ask that you follow Master Irving’s instructions and respect his wishes. I placed him in charge for several reasons, but most of all because I trust his judgment.”
The dialogue fits Lydia well enough, but I think there’s a better way to convey all of this so I’m changing things up here and there.
Lydia nodded before addressing the real issue. “There is no issue with you using the armor if you need to, Enya. It turned out to be the right decision. I only ask that you follow Master Irving’s instructions and respect his wishes. I placed him in charge because I trust his judgment. Among other things.”
Nicer.
The next edit is going to be for this line.
She was positively delighted to find Lydia’s signature. “Thank you so much, Mistress Lydia! I promise I’ll never use anything in the treasury again!”
How about …
She was positively overjoyed to have her hopes answered. Right there on the inside of the book cover was Lydia’s signature. “Thank you so much, Mistress Lydia! I promise I’ll never use anything in the treasury again!”
Next for the beefier part of this segment, the leadup to discovering Lydia’s signature.
Enya accepted the book, a whole host of new questions leaping to mind. She only brought the book with her in the hope of getting it signed, but she had no memory of asking Lydia about it or handing over the book. The way it appeared out of thin air meant Lydia had added the book to the retrieval layer of the Golden Treasury. When and why was beyond Enya, another piece of information missing from her time in the armor. Maybe, then, Enya mused, just maybe, there was a reason for it. She opened the book cover looking for anything that was different.
All sorts of little tweaks incoming.
Enya accepted the book, but a whole host of questions came with it. She only brought it with her in the hope of getting it signed toward the end of the day. She never actually spoke with Lydia about it or passed the book along to her. Moreover, the way it appeared out of thin air suggested it was added to the retrieval layer of the Golden Treasury. Enya wasn’t sure why or even when that happened. It was likely just another piece of information missing from her time in the armor. Maybe, Enya mused, just maybe there was a reason for all of it. She opened the book cover looking for anything that might be different.
Mm, better.
Lydia’s line here is kind of an important segue but I need to make sure it’s clear why the first part is there.
Fortunately for her, Lydia came prepared. “By the way, it’s only a small thanks, but here,” the duchess held out her hand and in a burst of latent mana, a book materialized. It was Enya’s book The Traveler by Lydia von Tenebrae.
So I’ll change that to …
Fortunately for Enya, Lydia was well equipped to brighten her day. “By the way, it’s only a small thanks, but here,” the duchess held out her hand and in a burst of latent mana, a book materialized. It was Enya’s book The Traveler by Lydia von Tenebrae.
Another line I’d like to take a shot at improving is this one.
“That does sound like me,” Enya admitted. She might have accepted any punishment, she felt so guilty for what she’d done. It was little comfort to know she did manage to help. Enya still felt terrible knowing that this was the first impression she’d made on everyone.
I’m just going to run a cleanup operation in general here and see what comes of it.
“That does sound like me,” Enya admitted. She shuffled uncomfortably as she imagined events playing out. The guilt was strong, strong enough that Enya would have accepted any punishment for disobeying Irving. Knowing she’d been of any help at all was little comfort when she couldn’t remember anything.
Not bad.
Now for the line that explains pretty much the entire last half of the chapter.
Lydia brought Enya’s attention to the armor with her hand and said, “While you did help us with a serious problem here in the treasury, you went behind Master Irving’s back. No one was hurt in the end, but we decided the most appropriate punishment would be to leave you in the dark regarding the incident. You agreed, and so it is.”
This small paragraph has to be on point, regardless of anything else. Another cleanup operation!
Lydia touched the case containing the armor, grabbing Enya’s attention. “While you did help us with a serious problem here in the treasury, you went behind Master Irving’s back. We decided the most appropriate punishment would be to abide the contract you made with the armor. You have no memory of events and we won’t speak a word of them. I was pleasantly surprised you agreed to it so quickly, Enya.”
I’m also adding one new line.
“I did?”
That’s to better link up with what Todd says immediately afterward. I think it flows better to Enya saying ‘That does sound like me.’ This group of edits also warrants a small tweak to Todd’s line to avoid using Enya’s name too often.
Todd cocked his head at Enya,
Todd cocked his head at her,
I’m skipping some more dialogue since I don’t have any issues with them right now.
Really, how could she be? Enya didn’t remember anything that happened after putting the armor on. Not a single detail. She didn’t even know how long ago she’d taken the armor. Enya was afraid to ask how long she had been wearing it. Still, it had to be done.
Minor tweaks incoming.
How could she be? Enya didn’t remember anything that happened after donning the armor. Not a single detail. She didn’t even know how long ago all of this started. She was afraid to even ask. Even so, it had to be done.
Next.
“Why did you ever doubt that?” Irving cocked an eyebrow at him, “Anyway, are you satisfied with your little experiment, Enya?”
Let’s use these punchy verbs more sparingly.
“Why did you ever doubt that?” Irving fixed Todd with a scowl, “So, are you satisfied with your little experiment, Enya?”
Next up is a line that’s always needed improvement but wasn’t really that important to me.
“What happened? Can someone please tell me?” She was scared and couldn’t hide that fact from anyone. She followed Irving expecting Todd to be sent away, but it was far more likely to be her after a stunt like this.
I’m still going to give the good old fashioned cleanup operation, though.
“What happened? Can someone please tell me?” She was scared and couldn’t hide that fact from anyone. She followed Irving all this time fully expecting Todd to be unemployed by the end of the day, but it was far more likely to be her after a stunt like this.
Maybe it just needed a bit more to be more valuable on its own.
Time to go over the last two sections of this Editing session, and the first two sections of the scene.
Irving wasn’t the least bit bothered by the situation, nor was he surprised by Enya’s face. He handed each piece of the armor to Lydia, who promptly placed them back into the open case. No one said a word to Enya at first, despite everything.
Cleanup operation!
Irving wasn’t the least bit bothered by the situation, nor was he surprised by Enya’s startled face. He handed each piece of the armor to Lydia, who promptly placed them back into the open case. No one said a word, despite everything.
That mostly works.
Now we end with the last edit for LGT Editing #2, the scene open.
“The contract is complete,” Enya heard herself say, her senses quickly coming back to her. She was dumbfounded to see the armored belt just now leaving her hand. Irving had graciously accepted it from her as if everything was fine. Todd stood a safe distance away with an insufferable, knowing smirk. Even Lydia, of all people, was here now. Enya was terrified with her here. Irving might have been more understanding about the situation, but breaking the rules in plain view of the very person who hired her, the owner of the Tenebrae Estate and everything inside it, and her personal hero, that was just too much for Enya to take.
Final cleanup operation!
“The contract is complete,” Enya heard herself say, her senses quickly coming back to her. She was dumbstruck to see the armored belt just now leaving her hand. Irving had graciously accepted it from her as if everything was fine. Todd stood a safe distance away with an insufferable, knowing smirk. Even Lydia, of all people, was here now. The implications were terrifying. Irving might have been more understanding about the situation, but the very person who hired her, the owner of the Tenebrae Estate and everything inside it, and her personal hero, she may have seen it as a step too far. This was simply too much for Enya to take in all at once.
Well, I guess it’ll work for now. I swapped dumbfounded for dumbstruck because I think it’s a better description of how she’s feeling overall. Dumbfounded doesn’t quite have the implication I’m going for in hindsight. Speaking of implications, I figured that was a better way to describe the situation from Enya’s point of view at that point. Also that last bit needed some rearranging, so I took a shot at that, as well. A scene open can always be improved, I think, even ten or twenty years down the line. That makes me feel like I’m settling a bit here, but for now it’s fine.
That’s it for this scene. I don’t know when I’ll be doing LGT Editing #3 but I’ll be putting up a notice a day or two beforehand.
Session #1 – Session #3