Alright! Let’s jump right into it, shall we?

This first line’s perfectly serviceable, but I still aim to improve the story whenever, wherever, and however I can.

Enya watched Irving and Todd until they had jogged all the way out of view. The Golden Treasury was a colossal place. There was no telling just how big it was, or where Item 3-A-340 was. It was probably close enough for Irving and Todd to intervene if they hurried, but Enya couldn’t be sure beyond that.

Let’s try changing things up a bit. A lot.

Enya stayed behind, watching until they were both out of sight. A small part of her wondered if she would ever see them again. There was no telling where Item ‘3-A-340’ was, and the sheer scale of the Golden Treasury made the possibility hard to ignore. The only thing Enya could be sure of was that waiting was going to make her very, very anxious.

I like this better. It hits the key points and it does them in the right order without increasing the length too much.

“You want me to wait here?” Enya glanced back and forth between the two men. She supposed she could do that. If dangerous machines or magic were involved, she wouldn’t be able to help them anyway. At least she could keep an eye on the armor. This was probably the best opportunity she was going to get to prove to Irving that, while she wasn’t as knowledgeable as Todd, she was at least dependable. “Okay. I’ll keep the armor safe.”

I want to touch this one up a bit and experiment with the speech tag at the end.

“You want me to wait here?” Enya glanced back and forth between Irving and Todd. She supposed she ought to. If dangerous machines or magic were involved, she might only get in the way. This was probably the best opportunity she was going to get to prove to Irving that she was dependable, and guarding the armor was a fairly easy way of doing that. She couldn’t possibly mess this up. “Okay,” she decided on her own, “I’ll keep the armor safe.”

I can’t say it’s an objective improvement, but I definitely prefer it to the prior version. I also like the bit of foreshadowing toward the end. Enya can definitely mess this up. And she does!

This portion of the line seems like it needs a bit of work.

Before Irving could finish glaring at him, he quickly added,

>>>

Before Irving could even stare him down, Todd quickly said,

There might be a better way to do this one so I’ll make a mental note of it for later.

“Perhaps, but …” Irving glanced at the armor’s case, concern in his eyes. The timing could have been better. “I don’t like leaving the armor out here like this.”

Clean up operation.

“Perhaps, but …” Irving paused and glanced at the armor and its large, exposed case. The concern in his eyes said it all: their timing with the armor could have been better. “We shouldn’t leave it out here like this.”

So basically I touched up Irving’s dialogue on the latter end and tried to link the rest of the line together in an interesting way. It borders on being repetitive but I think it works.

Next up is a line that just needs a little work.

“I haven’t seen it myself,” Irving said, “but I know it’s of Sulan origin. Some kind of old machine. Mistress Lydia found it recently and decided to keep it rather than hand it over to the Sulans.”

>>>

“I haven’t seen it myself,” Irving said. He turned slightly, toward what Enya thought might be the direction Item 3-A-340 was in. “If I recall, it’s an old Sulan machine. Some kind of automata. Mistress Lydia discovered it during one of her ‘adventures’ and opted to keep it for the treasury.”

This fits Irving’s slightly posh style and amiable personality.

As soon as she did, the alarm thankfully stopped.

I wrote this part in this way to put the emphasis on ‘thankfully’ but I’m not sure if it warrants another comma (or an adjusted one) or not. On second thought, I’ll leave this alone for now, but have it noted here for future reference.

“Not often this happens. Let’s see what the problem is.”

>>>

“Not often this happens. Let’s hear what the problem is.”

Minute, but in character.

An alarm sounded. It was just loud enough to get Enya reaching to cover her ears. She only stopped so she could hear Irving.

This line is why the one I left a note about is there in the first place. Anyway, clean up operation.

An alarm suddenly blared, forcing Enya to cup her hands over her ears. She had to bear with the noise to some extent to catch what Irving said next.

Plain descriptions can be boring, so you have to get creative where you can.

Now this next one warranted a major change, but I’ve been swaying back and forth on just how to do that.

“Stabilize the mana flow.” Enya was a little embarrassed to hear it explained in those terms. She didn’t even know what he meant by that. Todd really was more qualified to be here than she was. No amount of politeness on her part could make up for the sheer difference in expertise and usefulness.

Here’s the version I came up with.

“Stabilize the mana flow.” Enya tried the phrase on for size and it just didn’t fit her. It sounded like something an engineer might say. Todd really was more qualified to be here than she was. Enya could never say ‘Master’ or ‘Mistress’ enough times to close the gap between them or give herself any real advantage. His overall knowledgeableness and usefulness made her little more than an extra pair of hands by comparison. She didn’t know how anyone could fit Todd’s skill and knowhow into … well … Todd.

Frivolous but I have fun reading it. Enya’s always bewildered by Todd and I’m glad I can make that come across even if it edges on being a bit too comical at points.

“Before we put items back, we have to stabilize the mana flow and sync it back up with the system here. After that, we put it onto its slot and it’s officially back where it belongs. That’s the whole procedure in a nutshell.”

Speaking of Todd. This needs more Toddification.

“Before we put it back, we have to stabilize the mana flow and sync it up with the system here. After that we just find the right slot, shove it in and we’re done. That’s the procedure in a nutshell.”

There we go. Todd’s excessively casual and his explanations need to come across that way consistently. Just needed to change some of the wording.

Next up:

“I haven’t the foggiest,” Irving shrugged in amusement, “Or at least that’s what I would say if Todd hadn’t translated it for me. That is the full account of the Armor of the Unburdened from its original bearer to King Mnemos. It’s written in one of the acer dialects.”

Clean up operation.

“I haven’t the foggiest,” Irving shrugged in amusement, “Or at least that’s what I would say, had Todd not translated it for me. That there is the abbreviated history of the Armor of the Unburdened, from its original bearer to King Mnemos. It’s written in one of the acer dialects.”

A little better, I think.

I’ve been in the habit of tagging dialogue this with actions. It’s not always a good fit, so I’ve been trying to dial it back outside of certain situations in scenes. Case in point.

“What’s it say?” she turned to Irving.

>>>

“What’s it say?” she asked, turning to Irving.

A pretty inoffensive edit, though admittedly this line would have stayed like it was if it had come after the alarm sounded. In that situation, I think action tags help preserve the tension and the pacing.

“Look at this,” he said as he held an open hand out in front of the face of the case.

>>>

“Look at this,” he said, holding an open hand out in front of the case.

I had a reason for writing it the other way originally, but this more concise edit doesn’t lose anything. I may have just been overthinking it back then.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Enya looked away from them both. She didn’t need to hear whatever it was that made Todd better qualified for this job than her. It was enough to know that his obnoxious behavior was completely overshadowed by it.

I want to make this slightly less pouty but still more precise in terms of Enya’s perspective. Also a tag touch up.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Enya said, turning her head away from them. She didn’t want to hear whatever it was that made Todd so special. It was enough to know that his poor manners, lackadaisical attitude, and complete disinterest in his own appearance were all somehow overshadowed by it.

Yes, her issues with Todd include a direct comparison between the two of them, but in this moment in the scene, she’s more focused on the fact that his cons don’t seem to matter much to Irving, and by implication, Lydia.

Continuing backwards, we have the lead up. I’m also thinking of making one more edit to the previous line, but I need to do this one first.

Enya wasn’t sure she wanted to know why he worked here anymore. She was almost afraid to hear a justification she might actually agree with. Either way, it was becoming increasingly obvious that Irving had no intention of replacing Todd with her. Whatever was happening in the office earlier wasn’t what she thought it was.

The edit to this one is going to be

Enya wasn’t sure she really wanted to know anymore. There was a chance she might here a justification for Todd that actually made sense, maybe even something she agreed with. That was a scary thought. Regardless, it was becoming increasingly obvious that Todd’s employment here was in no danger, and Enya definitely hadn’t been brought on board to replace him. She must have missed something important back at the office.

Now for that other edit. I’m going to slap these paragraphs together. They’re not really covering different topics, and they wouldn’t be too long if I slapped them together.

So I’m going to slap them together, like so:

Enya wasn’t sure she really wanted to know anymore. There was a chance she’d hear a justification for Todd that actually made sense, maybe even something she agreed with. That was a scary thought. Regardless, it was becoming abundantly clear that Todd’s employment here was in no danger, and Enya definitely hadn’t been brought on board to replace him. She must have missed something important back at the office. “You don’t have to tell me,” Enya said, turning her head away from them. She didn’t want to hear whatever it was that made Todd so special. It was enough to know that his poor manners, lackadaisical attitude, and complete disinterest in his own appearance were all somehow overshadowed by it.

I almost always break up paragraphs when a speaker starts talking, no matter who it is, but there should be some exceptions. If I change it later, I’ll probably do a partial rewrite to put the dialogue right at the start.

These next few lines are just clean up operations.

“Yes, and as part of the agreement to loan out items from Lydia’s inventory, we need to decouple them from the security system. Otherwise, bad things can happen. Well, that about sums it up. Now, Enya, you’ve been wondering about Todd here, haven’t you?”

>>>

“Yes, and in order to loan items from Lydia’s inventory, we need to first disconnect them from the system as a whole. Otherwise awful things can happen. Well, that about sums it up. Now, Enya, you’ve been wondering about Todd here, haven’t you?”

“That’s part of it,” Irving smiled, glad she was quick on the uptake, “Most of the staff aren’t mages to begin with and those that are can’t be expected to bear such a tremendous burden.”

The smile is implied or close enough as makes no difference, and the second bit of dialogue can definitely be trimmed and still fit Irving.

“That’s part of it,” Irving said, glad she was quick on the uptake, “Most of the staff aren’t mages and even they can’t be expected to bear such a tremendous burden.”

Something began to click for Enya.

>>>

Something suddenly clicked for Enya.

“Welcome to Deep Storage,” Irving said, making sure Todd and Enya stopped, “The Golden Treasury is made up of several layers, somewhat mimicking the Agian hierarchy of spells. The first layer is the ‘Retrieval’ layer. The second is the ‘Inspectory’ layer, and the third is for deep storage. While they’re somewhat self-explanatory, I’ll have you know that Mistress Lydia can summon any item from the Golden Treasury at any time. The staff is limited to the retrieval layer, however.”

It’s going to wind up longer than necessary, but I want to leave a lore nugget here for later in the series and this is probably the best place to do it.

“Welcome to Deep Storage,” Irving said, giving Enya a brief introduction, “The Golden Treasury is made up of several sections, or ‘layers.’ Mistress Lydia is an Agian and so it’s only natural she would arrange it this way. The first layer is the ‘Retrieval’ layer. The second is the ‘Inspectory’ layer, and the third is for deep storage. Quite similar to the Agian heirarchy of spells, I must say. Please note that staff members such as ourselves are only able to summon items from the Retrieval Layer. Mistress Lydia on the other hand can summon anything from the inventory at any time.”

Irving continued to lead them through the vast inventory until they reached the place where the Armor of the Unburdened was kept, inside the deep storage area. Irving stopped them just short of a gallery where numerous item cases were positioned away from the walls. Some of the cases were missing, exposing strange insets on the floor. Enya figured their case belonged on one of them. There was little in the way of markings or other identifiers that could help her guess which one.

Only minor changes for this one for now, though I was tempted to pull another fusing operation and slam these two paragraphs together. I’ll hold off, though.

Irving continued to lead them through the vast inventory until they reached the place where the Armor of the Unburdened was kept, inside the deep storage area. Irving stopped them just short of a gallery where numerous item cases, most identical to the one the armor was in, were positioned away from the walls. Some of the cases were missing, exposing strange insets on the floor. Enya figured their case belonged on one of them. There was little in the way of markings or other identifiers that could help her guess which one.

I’ll hold off for a grand total of five seconds. I’m not fusing that paragraph with the one that comes after it, but instead the one that comes before it. This one:

More ramps and stairways led down into the deep archives of the Golden Treasury. The walls were plain, plated with metal, and lined with countless compartments. The rows stretched on in both directions just like the service tunnel, with only occasional gaps that formed aisles. There was no telling how far it all went, but Enya suspected the Golden Treasury was much larger than the mansion above it.

First, some important chances to the description.

More concrete ramps and stairways led down into the deep archives of the Golden Treasury. The walls were plain, metal plated, and lined with countless compartments. Partitions stretching up to the ceiling went on and on in both directions with each gap opening up into another aisle. Even the partitions had compartments for special items. There must have been thousands, maybe tens of thousands of historical artifacts in here. Enya suspected the Golden Treasury was much larger than the mansion above.

Now to fuse them together.

More concrete ramps and stairways led down into the deep archives of the Golden Treasury. The walls were plain, metal plated, and lined with countless compartments. Partitions stretching up to the ceiling went on and on in both directions with each gap opening up into another aisle. Even the partitions had compartments for special items. There must have been thousands, maybe tens of thousands of historical artifacts in here. Enya suspected the Golden Treasury was much larger than the mansion above. Irving continued to lead them through the vast inventory until they reached the place where the Armor of the Unburdened was kept, inside the deep storage area. Irving stopped them just short of a gallery where numerous item cases, most identical to the one the armor was in, were positioned away from the walls. Some of the cases were missing, exposing strange insets on the floor. Enya figured their case belonged on one of them. There was little in the way of markings or other identifiers that could help her guess which one.

That’s not too bloated, right? Well it works for me, at least for now.

With that, LGT Editing #4 is done. I hope this was helpful to anyone who’s stuck in a rut trying to clean up their writing, or just write something in general. This is by no means professional, but by … oh let’s say, LGT Editing #27, it very well could be, so stick around if you’re interested.

Session #3 – Session #5